PUNY HUMANS, USE TO REGISTER YOUR DOMAINS
Futurama Fan Fics
This FanFics were inspired by Futurama, but for no reason that means that TFP wants you to stop watching the show. Please, if you wanna use these at your website, as permission from the respective authors.
My name is Phillip J. Fry. The year is 3000 and I was born in nineteen-seventy- something. How do you explain that? I’m a delivery boy. That should put things into perspective for you.
Back when life was simple, dull, and easier to understand, (especially for my poor brain, which everyone says is smaller than a rabbit’s turd) I used to take out pizza orders for this fat man who used to make me deliver pizzas to people with the stupidest names like Seymour Asses or I. C. Wiener. In fact, I was in Mr. Wiener’s residence whenever I got frozen into the future if that tells you anything.
Don’t ask me how. Hell, I’m still trying to figure out why I’m here now, reclining in a sofa with a drunken, foul-mouthed robot named Bender. Let me tell you a little something about him before we move on.
Despite the fact that Bender swears a lot and loves to hurt people’s feelings more than anything, he’s one of my best friends and the first one I’ve ever made here in the ‘world of tomorrow’. He’s got me through a lot of tough times but he worries me a lot…
“Hey, Fry, why don’t you turn this crap to something less crappy,” Bender is saying while my eyes are focused on some old super hero cartoon. “Something like…depressing news headlines!”
See? He’s always been like that and he’s laughing mechanically as I switch moodily through the channels.
Not long after, I found the news which, to tell you the truth, I’ve always got a kick out of myself. The woman on there, Linda, never seemed to notice that Morbo, her alien co-host, was always trying to take over the world.
“Looks like where in for some pretty unusual weather, fellow earthlings,” Linda is saying whenever I turned it over there. You could tell that she had just been laughing at one of the alien’s jokes because her face was flushed and her eyes were watery.
“Yeah, and by unusual she means that it’s going to be raining cats and dogs for the rest of the week!” Morbo roared, showing us some footage of this whacky weather that was already taking place in different parts of the world. “That’s right, this means that the furry little bastards are going to be splattering all over you and your windshield, BWAHAHA –”
Unnerved, I switched it off. Rising up from the couch I shouted, “Bender, we’ve got to tell Leela and the others! This could be something big and…KABLOOMIE!”
As I finished this last sentence I made explosive sound effects and whooshing noises while I waved my arms about wildly.
“And what makes you think that there’re going to believe us chumps?” Bender glared at me. I stared at him right back, running my fingers through my hair, which was ginger and stuck out everywhere, in deep thought.
Sure, it was no secret that Bender and I had acted like a couple of clowns for our entire, pathetic lives but so what? If the world was about to face some sort of abnormal disaster didn’t everyone else have the right to know?
“Exactly,” Bender said after a few minutes had passed and I still hadn’t found an answer.
Sighing, I lowered my arms and began to head out the door, which slid open for me as I took my first step toward it. Bender could bite me. I was telling this to everyone whether he liked it or not.
I knew something disastrous had happened the moment that my uncle stepped into the conference room (in which a circular, poop-green table stood), wearing a puzzled look on his stupid face.
“What’s up, Fry?” Leela asked. I looked at her across the table, where she sat in between Amy Wong and Hermes Conrad, two other members of my crew. Like me, Leela had noticed something wasn’t right with Fry, reminding me again why I had chosen her to be our captain: occasionally, she always thought along the same lines as me.
“The news!” Fry cried, beginning to pace around the table. “Me and Bender where just watching it and –”
Leela snorted. “Since when have you watched the news?” She raised her one eye up at him doubtfully.
Fry’s reaction was priceless. He got up in Leela’s face and shouted, “When will you stop treating me like I’m a brainless dimwit?! I mean, not that I am, but you can still be stupid and watch the news and I did! I watched it with Bender, and he saw it too!”
“Saw what?” Amy asked, blinking her slanted, Chinese eyes at him so that he stumbled over his next words.
“The weather. T-there giving some pretty f-f-furry showers for the rest of the week.”
“What do you mean by furry, mon?” Hermes asked.
I groaned. Just what Fry needed: more encouragement from a fast-talking Jamaican bureaucrat.
“I mean, call me what you want but I know what I saw!” Fry was smiling now. “And it’s going to be raining cats and dogs this week, guys!”
I moaned. Leela put her face in her hands. Hermes and Amy laughed while Zoidberg made that weird noise of his and Nibbler, who had been curled up contentedly in Leela’s lap until now, gave an excited yelp.
It had finally happened. The world had finally gone to hell, and I’m sure that the Robot Devil is laughing his head off, the rusty bastard.
I was in a nice drunken stupor when something big and annoying hit the window and disturbed me from my moment of serenity.
“W-hat was that? Fry, did you finally kick the bucket?” I muttered, shooting my head up and looking about the room frenetically. It took me several seconds for me to pinpoint the noise but when I did, I sprung from that couch like a pop-up out of one of those sissy books for kids, and swore loudly.
The others heard me and came running. Fry looked excited while the others looked annoyed whenever they saw me standing there, my big cylinder eyes popping all the way out from under my visor in order to see the dogs and cats falling from the sky at a wickedly-fast rate.
“My god, it looks as if Fry was right!” the Professor exclaimed. I wanted to punch that old geezer’s wrinkly, horrible face in. Of course Fry was right.
“Sorry Fry, for doubting you,” Leela apologized, unable to take her hideous eye off the freakish scene outside. I tried to roll my eyes when Fry shot her a foolish grin, but they fell out halfway through the movement and I had to actually bend down and pick them up. Wow, that was so hard for me. Sheesh.
He was falling. Bruno tried to howl as he did but the desperate cry was lost over the roaring wind, which flapped his jowls back and raised every brownish-grey hair on his body to the sky, the black star-spotted sky which was falling behind him fast as he fell from Bonevald to Earth.
His King had done this to him. Not just any King but King Rufus, the tyrannical dog king of Bonevald who imposed fear upon his fellow canines by throwing millions and millions of dogs (and cats, when he could get them) from his kingdom.
So, Bruno wasn’t exactly alone as he fell but he felt alone because he was the only one who could accomplish this mission.
He was the only one who could save both Earth and Bonevald from Rufus and nothing was going to stand in his way.
“All right guys, spill it,” I ordered, knowing that Hermes and the Professor knew something about this whacky weather occurrence whenever the poor animals started to fall from the sky. The evidence was right there on their faces, which both bore knowing grins.
We were all standing outside on the balcony that extended out from the tower that was built onto the Planet Express HQ, watching dogs and cats fall left and right from where we huddled under an enormous umbrella.
“Well, Leela, if my suspicions are correct,” the Professor began, and for a moment I turned my eye away from the sky-diving animals to look at him, “this might have something to do with Bonevald.”
“Bonevald?” I inquired, trying to ignore the howls of laughter that Bender and Fry were producing.
“Yes, it’s the planet that dogs and cats go to when they die,” Hermes said.
My mind clicked. All of a sudden I remembered, back when I was in the orphanage, how the smaller kids used to talk about this mysterious planet called Bonevald, which was where they thought their pets went to when they died, but…since most adults believed animals had no souls and couldn’t possibly go to heaven, the adults ruling the orphanage banned the subject of Bonevald from discussion, threatening to beat the shit out of anyone who dared to open their mouths about the planet ever again.
“But isn’t that a fairy tale?” I asked, frowning.
The Professor shook his head, “Not anymore.” He looked up at the animal-filled sky. “Not if this means what I think it means.”
“What does it mean, Professor?” Amy looked as if she was enjoying herself.
“My, my, my, it means that King Rufus, who’s the evil stinking mutt behind all this, has finally gone completely mad and has ordered all his people to be thrown from the face of the planet.”
Amy shuddered. “He sounds like a nice guy,” she said. I glared at her. Amy and I weren’t exactly on the best of terms and every time she opened her mouth I just wanted to-
“Oh, for goodness’s sake, guys, it’s not that funny!” I scolded Fry and Bender, who were now rolling on all floors, clutching at each other’s stomachs as they both fell over each other, laughing like a couple of idiots.
“There’s no point in it, mon,” Hermes said, sadly.
I sighed. He was right, of course.
I didn’t know what Leela’s problem was but, if she didn’t quit staring at me like that I was going to murder her precious Nibbler while he slept.
“Okay, I’m bored with this,” Fry announced, crawling out from under Bender, who had had Fry in a head lock while sitting on top of him. “Can we go back inside now?”
“Yes, I’m growing quite tired of standing here myself,” the Professor agreed.
Everyone headed back inside while I remained standing.
“Aren’t you coming Amy?” Fry poked his head back around the door, making me smile. He never failed to make me do that.
“Sure! I’ll be there in just-AAAH!” I screamed as, without warning, one of the dogs that had been in the middle of flight came crashing down on my head, making me fall over backwards. Fry rushed to my side.
“Amy, are you all right?” Fry wanted to know, concern written all over his boyish face. “Jeez, what happened and…what the hell is that thing?!”
He had just noticed the dog that was entangled in my short, black hair. He instantly grabbed for the mutt.
“Ow! You bastard that was my finger! I’m gonna –”
It was easy to guess what had happened but I refrained myself from moving as he made another attempt to remove the dog from my hair.
“Stupid human! I’ll rip that jacket off you back if you don’t put me down! I hate being touched, dammit!”
At the sound of the voice I rose up, somehow knowing that it could only belong to the dog and, when I saw it in Fry’s hands, I gasped.
“Oh, you’re so cute!” I cried, whipping the puppy out of Fry’s hands, which were bleeding profusely.
The noise we were producing had brought the crew back out. I was annoyed to see that Leela had brought Nibbler with her this time.
“What’s going on here?” Hermes shouted. I rushed up to him and shoved the puppy in his face. I could hear Fry following behind me, whining and swearing.
“Lookie, isn’t he cute, Hermes?” I cooed, burying my face into the puppy’s thick, brown fur. “Can we keep him, Professor?”
“That thing better not have rabies!” Fry shouted, cradling his bloody hands and sucking on them.
“Ugh, Fry don’t do that!” Leela roughly took Fry by the arm. She steered him back inside. Nibbler tore himself free from his leash and came charging at me!
Before he could launch himself at me, however, my puppy leaped from my arms and met Nibbler head on, snarling at him.
“If you know what’s good for you, rat, you better back off!”
My puppy’s warning sent Nibbler into whimpers. I knew then that this was no ordinary talking dog because, if he had been, Nibbler would’ve eaten him whole.
“It looks like he’ll be able to keep those giant sewer rats out of my bathroom,” the Professor said. I looked up at him hopefully. “So yes, I guess he could stay.”
Bruno thought that the humans were weird. When he looked over all of them as they sat around the table with him, he wondered how he could possibly work with them.
“Is my little Bruno comfortable?” Amy inquired.
Bruno groaned. The girl, who had introduced herself and the others to him after he had introduced himself, was smothering him in a death grip.
“I think he might be able to talk if you actually let go of him,” Leela suggested coldly.
Bruno sighed with relief as Amy loosened her grip on him, snarling like a demon cat and causing him to leap from her lap unto the table, above which the Professor had suspended a glowing map of Bonevald.
Bruno was fascinated by this technology. He loved how the map, which was a green hologram, illuminated all the continents and rivers of his home planet.
“That’s shiny.” Bruno inched his nose up to the map only to back away from it seconds later when his muzzle went through it.
“Stupid mutt,” Bender muttered under his breath. Bruno turned to snap at him but stopped, for the Professor, who had pointed a gnarled finger at the map, began to speak.
“Good news everyone!” my nephew said.
I felt like crying my brains out. Those three words meant so much: doom, destruction, ruin…and I just didn’t feel like putting up with any of that crap right now. My hands, which Dr. Zoidberg had heavily bandaged earlier, were flaring and itching like crazy
“Don’t worry Fry,” Zoidberg reassuringly draped one of his crimson claws over my shoulders and making me wince. One time that claw had ripped my entire arm off.
“As long as you don’t scratch it too much the scars should heal over quickly.”
“Easy for you to say,” I griped, but actually kept my mouth shut long enough to listen to the Professor, who was pointing out Bonevald’s most important landmarks and continents.
“You all get to go to the largest and most dangerous continent of them all… the Dead Land, which our dear King Rufus so violently rules,” he ominously replied.
“But I live on this one!” Bruno protested, pointing at a smaller continent that the Professor had called Meatrock earlier.
“How did Rufus throw you off then?” I asked.
Bruno looked up at me guiltily. He had apologized for mauling me earlier but I wasn’t going to let him by that easily.
“You don’t understand how vast his powers and resources are.” Bruno shook his head. “He has people working for him in all three continents and he sends out messages to them. That’s how my people got thrown off Meatrock to your planet.”
“But how?” Amy folded her arms atop the table and resting her head on them. “I thought Bonevald was in another galaxy at the edge of the universe.”
“It is,” Bruno confirmed. “But every thousand years it rotates around the universe and returns back to where it was. No one knows why. You guys just got unlucky when it came around this time thanks to Rufus.”
“Look, this is really fascinating and all,” Bender interjected, not fooling me one bit, “But could we skip the geography lessons and hit the road? My shiny metal ass is itching to get out of this dump.”
“Well said, Bender,” I concurred.
Everyone gave me mean looks for some reason.
Though I was glaring at Fry and Bender along with everybody else, I silently agreed with my friends; my hands were just dying to grip the Planet Express Ship’s helm again.
“What?” Fry looked around at everyone with his big round eyes. He was so stumped that he was still sitting in his seat long after everyone had left the table. If Bender hadn’t went back and got him I think that he would’ve still been sitting there long after the ship was out of HQ.
“Fasten you’re seatbelts everyone,” I warned once we had all climbed into the cockpit. Fry and Bender took their usual places in the seats that sat on either side of my captain’s chair while the others left to do whatever. Then, we were out of there.
I hated flying. Being a Crustacean crab I preferred to be a bit closer to the land and water, not in the sky while trapped in a ship with a wild assortment of humans.
“Ya need to ease up a little, Zoidberg,” Hermes advised. I groaned. He had walked in on me as I hunched over the bathroom toilet, retching my guts out.
“If I ease up anymore I’m going to –” I began, but didn’t finish the rest of the sentence. All of a sudden a loud BOOM resounded against the starboard side of the ship, rocking it and causing me to slide away from the toilet and into Hermes, who tumbled into the corridor.
“What in da God’s name was dat?” Hermes shouted, pushing me off of him.
I shrugged. With Leela as captain, that boom could mean anything.
“What’s da matter with ya, woman?” I shouted, running into the cockpit as fast as I could, which wasn’t very fast at all due to the fact that I hadn’t participated in a limbo match for years, a sad truth that my wife LaBarbara never let me forget.
Leela didn’t have to answer. I saw what was wrong the instant my eyes landed outside the cockpit, which was surrounded on all sides by some kind of defensive force field.
“What in the world is that, Bruno?” the Professor, who had just walked in after me and Zoidberg, questioned. I realized with horror that he looked scared.
“Where we are closer to Bonevald the king’s defense mechanism activates and renders any ship in its path helpless,” Bruno said, looking as scared as the rest of us.
“We’re boned,” Bender said needlessly.
Everyone cried out as the force field knocked the ship in a violent dive straight toward Bonevald.
Two puppies coward against each other under a short rock that jutted out from the side of a small hill, whimpering. They had just heard the ship crash miles ahead in the distance but they dared not venture out of their hiding place to inspect the noise.
King Rufus would kill them for sure if they did.
I was pinned. I could feel the weight of the ship crushing me as I tried to move but I couldn’t.
“Fry? Where are you? Are you all right?”
Leela! I tried to call out to her but I couldn’t even open my mouth to breathe. She kept on calling my name though, and I felt my eyes swell with tears. I’ve never been so scared or helpless in my life. I was going to die.
I turned my head away from Leela as she started to cry, feeling confused. A part of me wanted to play hero and dig Fry out…but another part of me wanted to see her suffer, to make her see that she had something to loose
“Have you found Fry yet?” the Professor wondered.
I jumped. The old man had just crawled out from under some junk and into the cockpit, which was now nothing but a pile of stinking debris, debris under which my friend had been trapped.
“No!” Leela wailed, sinking to the floor and putting her face in her hands. I couldn’t take much more of this…
“Don’t worry, mon, we’ll find him!” Hermes said.
I felt angry as he managed to crawl out from under the same pile that the Professor had been buried under. How could he get out and not Fry? Why couldn’t my buddy live through this to?
“Can’t Bender get him out?” Amy asked. She was lying curled up in the floor with Bruno, who looked pretty banged up. The girl was too smart for her own good.
“Yes, Bender, why don’t you just do that,” the Professor said.
I groaned, turning my back on them to dig through the debris.
The puppies remained safe but they were even more frightened than before since they had just watched Rufus stalk past them. He was heading toward the direction of the crash and looking as if he would love to eat them up.
“Fry? Oh buddy am I glad to see you,” I heard Bender say thirty minutes later. I looked up to see him pull a very frightened and shaken Fry out of the debris.
Delighted, I ran up to my friends, feeling glad they were both alive. I embraced Fry first, however, sobbing against him.
“Ow! Leela, that hurts,” Fry rasped. I lifted my head off his heaving chest to look up into his bruised and tattered face. I wasn’t the only one crying.
“I thought I’d never see you again,” I whispered, smiling as he dug his face into my violet hair.
“Same here,” Fry croaked. I realized how good it was to hear his voice again and how close I’d come to never hearing it again.
“You guys are making me sick,” Bender said, but I could tell that he was smiling. “Though I did get your boyfriend out for you so don’t I get a –”
Laughing, I let go of Fry and hugged Bender, showing him how I truly felt about him and Fry.
“Okay, you can get off of me now,” Bender said after I loved on him for a second too long. “I can’t take much of this mushy crap.”
“Fry, it looks like you need some new clothes, mon,” Hermes remarked.
I looked at Fry, finding that Hermes was right for Fry’s ruby jacket was made an even darker red by the blood-spots dotted all over it and his shirt was completely in shreds, along with his tennis shoes and blue jeans, which could never be repaired.
“HeHe, I think you’re right, Hermes.” Fry swooned. I caught him just before he hit the ground. He clung to me like I was his mother.
“Why, isn’t this cute,” a new voice gushed.
Bruno went into attack mode.
Rufus had found us.
In my mind I was cheering as Bender dug my nephew out because if he croaked wouldn’t I croak as well? After all Fry himself had said that he had done much of the dirty-dirty back in high school so one of his son’s son’s would’ve created me, right? Of course I’m right, dammit, I’m always right.
When that Rufus snuck in on us though, I didn’t feel so sure of myself. After all, what chance did I, a senile old man, have of winning a brawl with a fat, ugly bulldog such as Rufus?
“Why are you here?” Bruno barked, jumping in front of me to face Rufus, who had somehow climbed into the cockpit from the roof of my ship.
Rufus chuckled. “My alert system in my castle caught a single from my force field,” he said, pawing him a way through the cockpit by tossing junk everywhere with his horrible meaty paws.
“Sounds handy, Bruno,” Amy commented, walking up to my side, “Might want to watch your back.”
“Oh, there’s no need for that,” Rufus said, much to Bruno’s annoyance (the mangy mutt was snarling as his king spoke). “Because I have an invitation for you that you can’t possibly refuse.”
“Oh, and what’s that?” Fry asked, his voice shaky. He was hanging on to Leela, who looked smug and bored, for his dear, useless life.
“After everyone has made their selves presentable enough to dine in my Dog Bowl,” Rufus said, looking over everyone’s disgruntled expressions and ruined clothes, “you will meet me at my castle but, until then, you shall wait here for my servants, who will be riding in carriages. Dig it?”
“Up yours, Rufus,” Fry muttered. Leela clasped a firm hand over his big mouth.
“Don’t mind him,” she said, making me feel proud. “Just go and leave us alone for awhile. We’ll come to you when we’re ready.”
“Very well, then,” Rufus conceded. Everyone fell silent as the King hauled his big hairy ass out of there.
“I have to pee,” Fry announced an hour after we had started our trek toward the carriages, which we could see glittering miles away in the northwestern direction from the ship.
I snorted. Fry’s mood had changed much since we left the ship. I guess this was because he was now decked in a black leather jacket, which was draped over a blue t-shirt, and a decent pair of pants and shoes, all of which the crew had dug out of the wreckage of the ship.
Having ditched my pink sweater, I was adorned in new clothes to and they included a red tank top and bell-bottom jeans. The others had new clothes as well, and I had to say that we all looked rather sexy, even the Professor, who had gotten rid of the scary lab jacket and had replaced it with a black tuxedo and bowler hat.
“If you must, Fry, go do it somewhere else,” Leela suggested. I looked at her.
Instead of wearing her white tank top, Leela now had on a pink, long-sleeved shirt and a purple skirt, which actually looked good with her hair.
“Yes, mon, and take Nibbler with you,” Hermes said, looking spiffy in a black tuxedo of his own. Nibbler had been nipping at everyone’s feet for awhile now, and I was glad that he had said something because my high heels had just recently became Nibbler’s favorite chew toy.
“All right then, come on Nibbler,” Fry urged. He took Nibbler’s leash away from Leela. He headed away from the group. “You get to watch me take a leak, you lucky three-eyed little beast.”
I stared after Fry as he limped away, shaking my head and wondering how he’d lasted this long in the future.
“I don’t have to actually watch you spill your urine, do I?” Nibbler asked in his surprisingly deep voice.
I shrugged. “Nah, I just wanted to say that. You can do whatever you want – hey, did you hear that?”
We both stopped. I could hear whimpering noise, you know, like puppy sounds. When I told Nibbler this he looked at me and said, “Are you sure that your not hearing things, Fry?”
“Positive,” I confirmed, and went into a jog at an awkward gait. Apparently, one of my legs had gotten busted up pretty good in the crash. Ouch.
That didn’t stop me from finding that noise. With Nibbler’s help, we had located it within seconds, and when we did Nibbler licked his chops.
“Ummm…puppy chow, delicious,” he said when we stumbled upon the two scared puppies that I had heard. They were a couple of cowards, trembling against each other under a puny rock but that didn’t stop Nibbler from opening his jaws wide and biting down on their heads with his sharp fangs.
“Yikes, that was cold, Nibbler,” I said.
Nibbler burped and rubbed his tummy. Gross. I suddenly had to do more then just pee.
Riding in the carriage was like living in that nice, roomy shell that I had found back during the crew’s underwater adventure in Atlanta, where Fry had fallen in love with a mermaid. The only difference was that the carriage had cushioned seats and its interior was decorated in a rich, gold color while my shell had been completely empty and perfect…
Sigh…it was a shame that that stupid Bender had to accidentally burnt it to the ocean floor with one of his cigarettes. Stupid robot…
As we rode on, I fell into a depression, and was silent and boring through the rest of the trip and none of my friends talked to me, as usual.
“All right all of you losers, out,” one of the servants ordered sometime later, and everyone piled out of the carriages, which were drawn by these big ugly wolves, and beheld a sight that I could never forget.
We were seeing a castle, a huge sand castle that was built from the ground up by sand, glorious sand like the kind my people used on their home planet to build their houses. Its windows were made out of bones, as well as the foundation and entrance, which was a pair of large double doors.
“Some of my family is buried in those walls,” Bruno pointed out.
I began to vomit again.
“Looks like this trip isn’t actually agreeing with Zoidberg,” Bender said, chuckling. Bruno pointed his nose at him, not knowing what to think.
He was glad to be home, of course, but for some reason this didn’t feel like home, not with all the weird people about…
“He’s in the Dog Bowl,” a cat, who had been one of the servants, hissed in a grating voice as she leaped from the front seat of the carriage. “We will take you to him.”
The Dog Bowl, or the Great Hall in King Rufus’ castle, was where the king held his most fanciful dinners and when, after the cats had lead them down countless corridors filled with portraits of the kings ancient ancestors, they were all in the Bowl Bruno felt his mouth drop open as drool spilled out of it.
He was in paradise.
I was in a thief’s heaven. Everywhere you looked in this room there was gold…Gold walls, gold sand, gold tables, hell, even the food was gold.
“Don’t get any ideas, Bender,” Leela warned. I mimicked her quietly as she turned away from me.
“How are we supposed to eat this?” Fry walked up to one of the bronze tables and picking a golden piece of chicken from a… you guessed it, a gold plate. I laughed when he bit into and let out a high-pitched “Yowch!”
“Oh, I see you’re here already,” Rufus sauntered into the room like he was a saint prince or something. “Please, have as much as you like.”
“But how are we supposed to eat this crap?” Fry shouted. His mouth flew open when Bruno walked passed him and, leaping upon the table, began to gnaw on the rock-hard food.
“He is,” Amy pointed at Bruno and Nibbler dragged Leela behind on his leash and went toward the food to have his try at it.
“Oh well,” I walked up to Fry. “At least it’ll make for some good stealing later, right?”
“Guess so,” Fry replied, sounding a little distant. I could tell his mind was wondering in another universe. “Say, Rufus, do all dogs that kill over end up here?”
“Mostly,” Rufus said, with an evil gleam in his eyes. “Some do go to hell though, or purgatory.”
“Oh, I know who you’re thinking about,” I said, remembering that Fry had had a dog named Seymour that had died.
“Yup, Seymour,” Fry said. “Do you know him? He’s small, with brown fur and he knows how to sing Walking on Sunshine. I taught him that,” he finished with a proud, lop-sided grin on his face and I sighed.
“Oh, you mean Sir Seymour?” Rufus looked shocked. “Why he’s one of my good-for-nothing knights –”
‘Go fetch him, boy!” Fry ordered, pointing off in a random direction and I howled with laughter as Rufus stalked away. Fry was grinning like a hopeless fool the entire time.
“What did you guys just do?” I asked Fry and Bender after Rufus had moped off. I was judging those merry smiles on their faces to be sure signs of guilt.
“Seymour’s here!” Fry cried out joyously. “I just told Rufus to go fetch him.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“Yeah, and while he’s gone,” Bender said, strutting over to a nearby wall and plucking piles of sand from it to store them into his chest compartment, “we’ll just still all his shiny dough.”
He began to hum as he went about his work. Fry and I just stood there, watching him. We enjoyed ourselves.
“We need to think of a plan to overthrow Rufus while he’s gone,” the Professor said. I nodded my head in agreement. “Anybody got any ideas?”
“Well, the cats hate him,” Fry noted rubbing his nose. Sometimes he did that when he had to think too hard. “Why don’t we just use them to mutiny against him?”
“That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever said, mon,” Hermes joked. Fry glowered at him
“Hermes, you and Zoidberg can be the ones that round them all up,” I said.
The mutiny was on.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty,” I chanted with Zoidberg, feeling stupid as I stood next to the crab and motioned for the cat servants, who were standing on their hind legs, to come to us.
It wasn’t working. We had been doing this for at least ten minutes, ever since we had first discovered the cats toiling about in the courtyard, looking evil as they worked, and we still hadn’t gotten a communicative response from them.
Zoidberg sighed. “I don’t think that they like us being here.”
I nodded. They didn’t like us, all right, but we had to get this plan to work.
“Yo, cats! We need to talk with one of ya, mon!” I smiled broadly when one of the big male cats walked over to us, his Persian fur rippling suspiciously as he approached us.
It hit me then that we were completely outnumbered. What if one of these cats decided that they wanted a couple of new scratching posts? Then what?
Ask me later when I’m not in a deadly situation.
“So, what’s taking him so long?” Bender asked. I hushed him. I was waiting for the opening lines of Walking on Sunshine in dog speak.
It wasn’t too long afterwards that I got what I was hoping for but it wasn’t exactly what I had expected. Seymour was actually singing the song as Rufus brought him in, not howling it as used to and I burst into song with him.
“I’m walking on sunshine, whoa, whoa!”
We sung it together, our voices tuned in perfect harmony with each other. When it was all over, Seymour leaped into my lap and started to lick every inch of my face that he could reach with his slimy tongue.
“So, you still like pizza?” he asked in a fast, cheerful voice whenever he had finished bathing me.
“Sure,” I said, once I could breathe again. I was wiping Seymour’s salvia off my face with my shirt sleeve as I asked him: “So, why are you working for Rufus?”
Seymour wasn’t so cheerful anymore. “That’s a long story that I wish not to tell,” he said. I respected his wishes by not asking anymore questions.
“Here comes the cavalry!” a voice shouted.
I turned around to see Hermes and Zoidberg charging into the room, leading the scariest army of cats that I’ve ever seen.
“Beautiful, man,” Seymour breathed. I ran my fingers through his fur. It felt so good to be able to touch it again, after all these years…
The room turned into a madhouse. Rufus didn’t stand a chance. The cat army was on him within seconds, and in a flash there was nothing left of the dog king but his eyes, nose, and bones for the cats had tore apart the rest of him into shreds.
“Now that was a royal pain in the ass,” one of the cats said after he had filled his tummy and crapped in the floor.
“Ewww,” I said, along with everyone else.
“What are you going to do about my ship?” I asked Bruno, who was sitting cross-legged on his throne of bones, the next day.
We were all standing in the king’s throne room, accepting our rewards from the new king, who, in his mind only, was the rightful ruler of this awful planet. He looked pretty relaxed and comfortable with two cat servants standing to either side of his throne, fanning him with leaves.
“Man, this feels just like Star Wars!” Fry said whenever one of the cats had walked up to him and placed a medal around his neck.
After Fry’s stupid remark was made, everyone received their rewards as well and the cat went back to kissing Bruno’s sorry butt.
“Do you have anyone that you can contact back on Earth?” Bruno asked. Leela groaned.
“Well, there’s Zapp…” she began reluctantly, but I interrupted her.
“I don’t want that man touching my ship!”
“You’re on your on then because I’m not fixing it,” Bruno said. Fry swore.
“Why you ungrateful bastard! After all we did for you!” he shouted, advancing upon Bruno in a very sluggish and non-threatening way. It was too early in the day for Fry to be so active, if he was active any day at all.
“Calm down, Fry,” Seymour suggested. He jumped in between Fry’s and Bruno’s path.
“There’s no need for violence.”
“Fine then!” Leela surrendered.
I put my face in my hands. This couldn’t be happening but it was. “Just show me how and I’ll contact the jerk.”
“Sure thing, miss,” Bruno said.
All I could do was snarl.
“Kif, answer that call!” Zapp ordered and Kif, his right-hand green alien, went to do as his captain ordered.
“Oh, Kif it’s you. Where’s Zapp?” Leela’s voice came out of the speakers of the ship’s communicator as Kif pressed a switch on the screen and the alien thought that the cyclops didn’t sound too happy to see him. Not that he blamed her…
“Where else? Off being lazy and loving himself in a mirror,” Kif said. Leela actually smiled.
“Well, in that case,” she said, looking about the room on her screen nervously, “could you just ask him to fly his ship to a planet called Bonevald? I’ll give you the coordinates for it.”
Kif knew it killed her to say that. “Sure,” he said. They both terminated the conversation. Kif walked away from the communicator thinking that Zapp just had to help the Planet Express because no one else would, and it took a lot of guts from anyone to ask Zapp for help.
This meant that Leela’s crew was in a very dire situation indeed and somehow Kif had to persuade his tall, stocky blond-haired captain, who was in love with himself, to go help them. What was an alien to do?
I knew Leela loathed Zapp. I hated him, too, mainly because he had had sex with her on numerous occasions but…I was actually happy to see his ship later that night as it landed next to ours.
The whole crew was standing at the base of the destroyed Planet Express Ship when Kif and Zapp stepped out of the Nimbus, looking a bit too happy.
“So what are we going to do with this piece of junk?” Zapp kicked our poor ship’s hull, which lay scattered in pieces all over the ground. “Haul it out of here with U-Yank?”
“That’s what everyone else does, sir,” Kif said grimly. Every time I looked over at the alien I wanted to laugh.
“Yes, we’ll do that,” Leela grumbled, her eye narrowing in distaste at Zapp. “But first, some of us have to say our goodbyes. Fry?”
“What?” I asked, honestly not knowing what she was talking about. Suddenly Seymour walked up behind me and bit into my leg! My bad one!
“Ow! Seymour, what was that for?” I cried, clutching my throbbing thigh while hopping around.
“Let’s just say that that’s my way of saying good-bye,” he replied, grinning like the traitor he was.
“And this is my way!” I said, scooping Seymour up into my arms and crushing him until he started choking. Looking at everyone I asked, “Can we keep him?”
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